I think of myself as a romantic, yet Valentine’s Day just does not do it for me. While I won’t say no to the flowers or chocolates I may be lucky enough to get, I find the expectations numbing.
And that’s just the point, as soon as there are expectations there is bound to be disappointment. It reminds me of New Year’s Eve. There’s so much pressure to go out and have a blast come 31 December, it just never seems possible to deliver on the expectation. These days I prefer to be in bed by 10pm and greet the new year in the morning.
Welcome to dating. The other day I said to a colleague, “I’d rather throw myself under a bus than start dating again.” Okay that is a bit dramatic and now that I am married it’s easy to bad-mouth the perils of dating.
But there are ways to get the most out of it. Follow these 10 tips for a successful dating strategy and forget what I said at the outset.
You’re on your first date, a little nervous, trying to loosen up, so you have a martini –or two or three – before dinner. Then some wine with dinner. Suddenly you find yourself talking about your ex-boyfriend and don’t hold back on the disparaging comments. And then another ex-boyfriend (no expletive spared here either)
A debauched dating history is not the best way to engage the man of the moment and it is more than likely the last thing he wants to hear, now if ever.
I was wondering, is a mensch of today the same as a mensch of 20 or so years ago? I found this great interview in Time magazine and thought it a perfect companion to my book launch.
In 2006, Wendy Cole interviewed somewhat of a mensch expert for Time Magazine. Here it is for you.
Q & A: Finding a Mensch Mate
By WENDY COLE Tuesday, Feb. 14, 2006
Not long ago, a mensch was the kind of guy your mother wanted you to marry. A devoted and kind Jewish son, no doubt, but someone with as much zing as a glass of warm, flat, seltzer.
But what a difference a few pop cultural references make. Menschiness has suddenly become cool. Desperate husband Carlos on Desperate Housewives described his parole officer as one, while the term came up in an episode of the generally un-menschy ‘Jake in Progress.’ John Lithgow was just singing about them on Broadway in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
And a guest on Oprah even described her as ‘Mensch of the Year’ last month for admitting her mistake in initially defending fact-challenged best-selling author James Frey. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, TIME Correspondent Wendy Cole spoke to Mensch expert Robin Gorman Newman about her new book How to Marry a Mensch.
TIME: What’s the story with so many mensch mentions these days?
NEWMAN: It’s become hip. The definition has changed. When I wrote my first book on mensches in 1994, a lot of people didn’t even know what it meant, and if they did, they thought it meant someone was a nerd or a bore. As a dating consultant, I met women who would specifically say they didn’t want to meet a mensch.
TIME: How do you know so much about mensches?
NEWMAN: I like to think I am one, and my husband is even more of one than I am. He’s very loyal, dependable, and big-hearted. He does things for people and he doesn’t expect anything in return. He’s a CPA, and he actually enjoys it, which is a menschy thing right there. A real mensch doesn’t need to get a lot of pats on the back.
TIME: Are mensches better for dating or as marriage material?
NEWMAN: Both. But it takes takes a while to know if you have a real mensch. A mensch will stand the test of time. You can’t know it right away. A lot of them are mensches in wolfs’ clothing. Brad Pitt probably thought he was one. But he sure fooled us, and especially Jennifer. Bill Clinton is another mensch in wolf’s clothing. You can’t be a mensch on demand, it’s got to be a consistent part of your character.
TIME: Can you become a mensch if it doesn’t come naturally?
NEWMAN: You can work at it. It does have a lot to do with how you were raised. It helps if you have mensch role models. One thing that gets overlooked sometimes is that you have to be a mensch to yourself before you can become one to others. If you’re not good to yourself , that’s a turnoff. An uber-mensch might have the inclination to save the world, but if you’re tired or stressed you can’t spend your time doing favours for others. You have to strike a balance.
TIME: Where do you meet mensches?
NEWMAN: Doing volunteer work is good. It attracts those with a big heart. But you have to trust your gut. They don’t play games with you. I’m a fan of Internet dating, but you have to be more astute to find a mensch that way. It’s tricky to find a mensch online.
TIME: Once a mensch, always a mensch?
NEWMAN: Always. Your character doesn’t change. If it’s in your heart and soul, it doesn’t go away. There can be times when you’re busy and can’t be there for everyone all the time. That’s when it’s most challenging to be a mensch. Your menschiness might have to take a back seat for a while, but that’s okay.
TIME: You have a two-year-old son. how are you helping him to be a mensch?
NEWMAN: We’re very conscious of his manners. We remind him to say please and thank you. He’s already good at saying he’s sorry. But he needs more practice socializing with other children. He’s still a little territorial.
TIME: Any downsides to being a mensch?
NEWMAN: You can get dragged though the mud and taken advantage of. You could burn out. It is hard work to be a true mensch. That’s why I’m a little concerned that the word is being tossed around so casually these days. We have to preserve the integrity of the word.
TIME: How would a classic mensch celebrate Valentine’s Day?
NEWMAN: Every day is Valentine’s Day for a mensch. You don’t need a holiday to show your affection. Whatever you do on Valentine’s Day is just the icing on the cake.
Growing up with older sisters, I always longed for a brother. A male friend, the next best thing, remained an elusive entity for much of my life, with the refrain ‘there’s no such thing as friendship between men and women’ holding true.
Dating is not immune to the Internet -of -Things. In fact, the opposite is true. Online dating is increasingly popular as a platform for meeting your significant other, if not the platform of choice, particularly for those who consider themselves internet savvy.
If you are thinking of venturing into online dating, here’s something to think about from the get go.
According to CBC, there are over 40 million visitors to online dating sites in the US and 7 million in Canada.
It was love at first sight.
I thought Gean was gorgeous. With dark hair, black eyes and sallow skin, he had just those Middle Eastern looks I have always fancied.
After an awful night at a miserable hen party (I’ll spare you the details) he asked me for my phone number.
We were soon in the bloom of a full –blown relationship despite my guilt of dating a non-Jew. Not Jewish is a slight understatement. Gean was his elected anglicised first name, for ease of getting on in the Western world.
So what was his surname? Mohammed. You can’t get more Muslim than that. And what was his birth name? Mohammed.
I gulped in a rather dramatic fashion when I realised I was dating Mohammed Mohammed but I by-passed the initial shock by sticking strictly to Gean and avoiding any reference to his last name. Soon enough the relationship arrived at that point where I had to tell my parents who I was seeing.
When my mother heard about his religious affiliation her words to me were: “Over my dead body.”
So I told her she would then have to die because I was very much in love with Gean at that stage and I wasn’t giving him up for anything. In fact, I was planning to do the big reveal at my cousin’s wedding in a month’s time.
Surprisingly, our relationship survived this pressure test, but we went on to break-up and make up repeatedly for at least two years.
For some of that time he was on another continent and he would phone me at times that were very disrupting to someone who likes her sleep. My defences were weakened and I would always agree to see him on his next arrival in Johannesburg.
It wouldn’t take long until we were back to our old familiar ways and I fantasised about a serious future with this man.
But during one of these dead-of-night conversations, I learnt that he was more in love with his mother (forgivable) and that he was a cool, calculating liar. And that’s where I drew the line, no matter how sweet the fruit.
In my adult life, I have had a diverse dating platform, suffice to say some relationships were extremely complex. More so when my partner at the time was not Jewish, very far from.
So why date a Jew?
What makes Jewish dating different from any other kind of dating? Jewish singles by nature tend to seek out other Jewish singles even if they aren’t particularly religious.
There’s something about being Jewish, either genetically or as a society, that keeps Jews together as a group. Not completely, of course, as there are many Jewish people who have married outside the religion.
But there still remains today, even in our enlightened, high tech society, an invisible force field surrounding the Jewish people and pressuring them to stay together. How it all began is a mystery but it does, in fact, exist.
As a result of this religious cloistering, there are more Jewish dating services around than any other religion can lay claim to.
Most dating services don’t differentiate their clients by religion and this broader group of matchmakers is by far still the largest in the United States.
But when it comes down to different groups of people who are only interested in meeting people of the same religion, Jewish dating is the largest.
In purely quantitative terms, the Jewish population of the world is almost negligible. There are billions of Muslims, about a billion and a half Catholics and only approximately 20 million Jews on the planet.
And yet Jews remain the most influential group of people in the history of the world. Why that is and how that happened is a question for scholars and historians, but how Jewish dating has become so dominating is something that should be understood by anybody seeking to enter the dating world.
Adjusted with permission from: http://plrplr.com/12156/an-introduction-to-jewish-dating/